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Intelligent IT Apes Play Aggressive Poker Online
Apes May Write Programs to Help With Winning; Java Training and .Net Training Seen as Essential

DES MOINES, IA: Primate Programming Inc (PPI) of Des Moines Iowa issued a press release here Monday admitting that many on the IT staff play poker online, for real money, against human opponents.

And they win.

Primate Programming Inc. provides low cost, high quality IT services using primates, mostly chimps and gorillas, trained in routine IT tasks. The apes receive advanced technical training, and many are highly skilled software developers. All have received technical Java training and .NET training from the company.
Primate Programming Inc has issued a press release admitting that many of the apes on staff are very skilled at poker, and often play online. They favor no-limit Texas Hold'em.
According to the press release, several of PPI’s apes “have found an outlet for their typical aggressive behaviors, in the playing of no-limit poker.” The press release goes on to say that human friends of the apes “taught our staff to play Texas Hold’Em and Omaha poker games” and “assisted in setting up bank accounts” for funding the online gambling activity.

According to the press release, the full story with pictures of “PPI apes playing poker” may be viewed at the web site

Primate "Poker Faces"

Poker online is played with a user-defined “screen name” or nickname. Because of this setup, online poker players cannot know who they are actually playing against. According to PPI, the anonymous nature of online poker playing provides a natural way for the IT apes to play poker against human opponents. The press release cited the “aggressive nature of online poker” as being “very attractive to our staff, some of whom have won thousands of dollars”.

The apes operate behind screen names such as “DrDestructo” and “ThePikerMan”.

"No Limit" Exclusively

According to the PPI press release, the apes play “no-limit” stakes exclusively. In no-limit poker, a player may bet all of his chips at any time. This form of poker requires extraordinary bluffing skills. Those who have visited zoos with primates know how chimps and gorillas enjoy rushing towards the fencing, to startle visitors and thus amuse themselves. Now these highly intelligent animals have found an outlet for aggressive bluffing tendencies in the world of online, big-bet poker.

These apes learned basic card skills playing simpler games like "Bullsh*t" and "Go Fish". Later the apes were taught poker. Apes from PPI are highly intelligent with considerable skills in computer programming.

The PPI press release did not state the stakes at which the apes enjoyed playing. During our investigation, we learned that the many of the apes were playing “$200 no limit” Texas Hold’Em single table tournaments. In these games, each player wagers two hundred dollars. The winner of the competition gets a prize of $1000, 2nd place gets $600 and 3rd gets $400.

Check, then Raise

“It all makes sense now”, said Reuben Silverman, a long time online poker player. “I’ve played against ‘DrDestructo’ a lot. He’s a very good player. But I had absolutely no idea I was literally playing against a gorilla. All I knew about him at the time was that he was from Des Moines.”

Silverman added, “I’ve lost a lot of money to him. He’d play with nothing during the early rounds and be sure to display his utterly worthless cards. Later, he’d bet big, and of course, everyone called. Then he’d show us aces. Some of these pots were in the thousands of dollars.”

Poker Primates Can Program

Because the apes receive Java training and Microsoft .NET software development training, some analysts are strongly suggesting the apes are writing specialized computer programs that can help them win. The exact nature of these programs is unknown. Every individual at Primate Programming Inc. receives software developer training. The curriculum includes .NET training, Java training, JSP training and additional training in XML, OOP, and SQL technologies.

How the apes use that tech training to win online is unknown. However, what is understood is this: these apes are winning a large and considerable sum of money. Some of the apes reportedly have an "earn" rate that exceeds $300 per clock hour. If that is the actual rate, each ape would be worth well over 600 thousand per year if they played full-time.

The Art of the Deal
Dr. Norman McAuliffe has bankrolled the apes and formed a new company, Primate Poker Inc. The mission of the firm is to extract maximum money from human players online. CEO McAuliffe projects an average earn of $200 per hour, per player.

A new spinoff is in the works: Primate Poker Inc. Sources from that firm provided the pictures for this story. According to reports, ten to twenty of PPI's primates are so successful online that the potential for a new business model has been discussed. At issue is the role of Mark Bajek, CEO of PPI. Many of PPI's clients are led by executives that play poker online daily. Thus, deploying aggressive poker playing apes online may be a conflict of interest for the company. Our reporters have learned that entreprenuer Dr. Norm McAuliffe has provided gaming funds, housing and T1 connectivity. The startup business is dedicated to great apes playing profitably, online, 24 hours per day.

Primate Poker CEO Norm McAuliffe is a Yale biology Phd. His family is well connected in academic and scientific circles. His brother, Dr. James McAuliffe, is a researcher at the Stamford School of Zoology. He achieved worldwide recognition through lab research that confirmed that higher primates can program.

When we approached the company for a quote from the CEO, we received this statement from the firm: "Certain species of these information technology apes at PPI have proven very trainable, with a natural talent for aggressive, big-bet poker. I'm completely commited to this business model. It is reasonable to say I am "all in".

Repeated calls to PPI in Des Moines were not returned by press time.

Calls to online poker sites and also went unreturned.


Related Links:


Pictures of Apes Playing Poker at

Full Text: The Primate Programming Inc Press Release

Texas Hold’Em Poker Rules at

Omaha Poker Rules at



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